


slowly learning i don't need you (to complete myself)

by orphan_account



Series: Life in Years [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Arguments, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Break Up, Drunken Kissing, Other, Self-Discovery, Sort of sad, but also not really, guess who removed the joshler it was me, the Josh/Halsey is platonic, this is going to be hell to tag oh my GOD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 18:59:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6251728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The months after his breakup with Debby are what he refers to as ‘The First Bad Year’. In this year, Josh goes from the highest high he’s ever felt, to the lowest low. </p><p> The first bad day comes 24 hours post-split.</p><p> OR</p><p>Josh learns a lot of things about himself after a break up.</p><p>(Title from "Today" by Beth O'Reilly)</p>
            </blockquote>





	slowly learning i don't need you (to complete myself)

**Author's Note:**

> Can't believe this is finished. 
> 
> I've been working on this story for ages, and I'm excited for you to read it. It's probably the longest thing I've written in ages, and I'm pretty proud of it. If you enjoy it, let me know with a kudos and a comment! It makes me feel good. 
> 
> Please enjoy x

Josh is 24 years old when he’s positive that he’s the happiest he’ll ever be. 

 

Partly because of how increasingly well his band seems to be doing, and partly (mostly) because of his girlfriend, Debby. 

 

Debby is everything in the world to Josh. She’s absolutely perfect, with her beautiful personality and ever-changing hair color. She helps him with his anxiety and makes Josh feel things that he hasn’t ever felt before, and he feels safe with her. 

 

He’s driving one night, with Debby in the passenger’s seat, when he tells her this. It doesn’t make any sense at all for him to be thinking about it at that time, as they aren’t even doing anything that could be considered ‘romantic’, and Josh supposes that saying something like that is a fairly romantic thing to do. But it makes sense to him when it happens, because he keeps sneaking tiny little glances at her as she thumbs through all of Josh’s CD’s in search of the perfect one, and she smiles to herself every time she finds one particularly good, and the light of the moon and of the streetlights makes her blue hair seem even brighter. 

 

“I feel safe with you too, Josh.” Debby replies, smiling sweetly over at him. He didn’t say it just so that she would say it back, but he doesn’t tell her that.

 

Eventually, she finds a CD that she approves of, and it ends up being ‘Pure Heroine’ by Lorde. They dance in their seats to the mellow beats and fall into a comfortable silence when the tempos of the songs become slow. The volume is far too loud (‘You’re going to go deaf before you’re thirty, Joshua,’ his mother was famous for saying to him constantly) but they couldn’t care less. Debby is having fun, letting go, and Josh is  _ happy _ . 

 

\----

 

Debby’s band, ‘The Never Ending’, is starting to take off. 

 

This is a good thing, obviously, because being a musician is all that she’s wanted to do since she was little, besides acting. But this also means that she’s gone almost constantly playing shows and writing new material. 

 

Josh knows that it isn’t her fault, after all, he definitely isn’t one to talk about having a busy schedule. It just seems that whenever he’s not touring, or rehearsing, or doing all of the things that come with being in a band, she is, and it’s beginning to have an effect on them. On their relationship.

 

They don’t talk about it. They don’t talk about the way that one of them is always too tired to go out to dinner, or to come over and watch a movie, or to do much more than send routine texts that affirm that  _ yes, we’re still in a relationship, so I’ll still tell you I love you every once in awhile _ . 

It isn’t unexpected when Debby asks Josh to come over so that they can have ‘The Talk’, but that doesn’t make it any easier. 

 

When Josh heard people say that they had a ‘mutual breakup’, he always assumed that they just fell out of love and easily left each other, with not even a hint of a broken heart. But when he’s knocking on Debby’s door, fully aware of what’s about to happen, he doesn’t think that he’ll ever be okay again. 

 

Debby looks like she’s been crying when she opens the door, and Josh has to fight off the urge to hug her tightly and pretend that he’s never going to let go. He walks in, respectfully (tensely) holding his arms behind his back as he waits for her to lead them into her living room. He hates this, hates the awkwardness where there once was comfort, and he wishes that things were different. 

 

“So,” Debby starts before Josh can even sit down, “We both know what I’m going to say, I think.”

 

Josh nods. Tears are threatening to spill, but he doesn’t let them. He bites his bottom lip to stop their flow. 

 

“I want you to know something, okay?” Her voice is even and steady, but sad. “I want you to know that I don’t regret one moment of it. I love you so much, and if I thought that we could make it through all of this, then this wouldn’t be happening.” Josh hates how well-spoken she sounds, hates how even in what is probably the worst thing they’ve ever had to go through together, she still sounds like the well rehearsed girl that she is. Selfishly, he wishes that she would fall apart.

 

“I understand.” He says simply, purposefully avoiding saying ‘ _I love you_ _too’_ , which he never thought that he would have to do. Not with her. 

 

It’s at that point that they both know that they’re no longer together, that they’re now just two ex lovers sitting in a sad sort of silence together. This doesn’t stop Debby from scooting towards him, grabbing his face in her hands and pressing their lips together. 

 

It only lasts a few seconds, but to Josh it feels like an eternity. In that small amount of time, every little touch, every smile, every brilliant night, and every gorgeous day they’d had together is brought up again. Josh can’t stop the tear that runs down his cheek. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Debby whispers to him. “I just needed to do that one more time.”

 

She starts to shrug away, but Josh can’t help how he instinctively grabs her again. From that moment on, they’re guided by passion and desperation and so much  _ love. _

 

It absolutely isn’t the first night they express their love in a physical way, but it is the first one where they both know they won’t wake up to each other in the morning.

 

\----

 

The months after his breakup with Debby are what he refers to as ‘The First Bad Year’. In this year, Josh goes from the highest high he’s ever felt, to the lowest low. 

 

The first bad day comes 24 hours post break up. 

 

On this day, Tyler calls him and tells him that he wants to show him a demo for a song they might put on their next album. Josh goes, because if there’s one thing he knows about sadness, it’s that you should never allow yourself to wallow in it.

 

He tries so hard to be supportive about the song once he gets there, but the sad lyrics mixed with his own miserable state push him to the edge and he starts crying again. Tyler almost immediately stops playing when he sees this, and Josh feels so bad for interrupting him that he tries to force himself to stop. 

 

“Are you okay?” Tyler asks. Josh doesn’t trust his voice, so he doesn’t answer. “Was it really that bad?” He jokes, and Josh smiles a little bit through his tears. 

 

“No, uh,” Josh wipes his eyes and sniffles. “I’m just, nevermind. The song is,” Another sniffle. “It’s really good, Ty.” 

 

Tyler rubs his hand on Josh’s back reassuringly. “What’s wrong, J?” 

 

“It’s stupid, I’m sorry.” Josh replies. 

 

“It’s not. Promise.”

 

“Debby and I broke up last night.” Josh admits. 

 

“What? Why?”  

 

“It c-couldn’t work anymore. Not with our schedules together,” Josh wipes his nose with the sleeves of his shirt. Tyler wraps his arms around Josh, and Josh starts to cry into Tyler’s arms. On any other day, Josh would think that this is pathetic. It seems appropriate right now.

 

“I’m always here for you, Josh.” Tyler says. 

 

\----

 

Life goes on after you break up with somebody. It’s hard, but it gets easier with time. 

 

The trick, Josh thinks, is not to fall out of love with the person, but to fall in love with something else.

 

Josh still loves Debby with all his heart, and, every time he sees her talk about him, he loves her a little bit more. In that regard, it definitely doesn’t get easier. But every time he goes up onstage and plays with everything that he has, he forgets about her, if only for a little while. It’s temporary bliss, and it’s completely addicting. So, he keeps doing it. He keeps getting excited for shows, the bigger the venue, the better. He begins to thrive on adrenaline. 

Sometimes, Josh forgets to eat, or he forgets to take his anxiety medication, or he doesn’t get enough sleep, and Tyler is always the one who makes sure that he makes up for it. On Josh’s particularly bad days, he calls Tyler, who is always ready to come over and distract Josh for a little while. It’s difficult, but it works. 

 

Tyler worries about Josh a lot.

 

Despite all of the little routines he’s gotten himself into, Josh’s anxiety levels keep going up. That’s the thing about mental disorders- they often get worse after something bad happens. He tells his doctor about it, and she says that all she can do is give him a higher dose of Xanax, which he accepts. 

 

“If that’s what it takes to be myself, I’ll take a few pills,” He tells her. 

 

“If you notice any unusual behavior, make sure to call me, alright?” She warns him. He nods.

 

He walks out of the doctor’s office with a new prescription to fill and the hope of getting a little bit better filling his heart. 

 

\----

Josh is 25 years old when he meets Ashley. 

Ashley is everything that Debby wasn’t; she is danger, and she is risk, and she is fun in its most pure, unadulterated form. 

 

She is one of the most beautiful people Josh has ever met, and she has this outstanding personality that seems to draw all sorts of people to her like moths to a radiant, burning flame. Josh included.

 

They meet at a music festival, where they click almost instantly. She’s been a fan of their band for a while, apparently, and he’s recently started to listen to her music. They talk about everything from their music tastes to aliens, and it’s one of the best times Josh has had in a long time. 

 

They exchange numbers, and, soon enough, they’re talking all the time. It’s a little bit embarrassing, honestly, how often they’re in contact with each other. When Tyler is asked to sing during interviews, he texts her, and when he’s lying in his bunk, and even when he’s visiting his family back in Ohio.

 

Ashley teaches him a lot of new things that open up Josh’s eyes and make him much less close-minded than before. She tells him about things that he can do to help minorities, and ways that he can learn to be more open to new things and accepting of other people. He asks questions, and she always answers them, and he is so grateful. 

 

One night, Ashley is talking about a girl that she used to date, and Josh has questions. A lot of questions. So, she tells him all about bisexuality, and how she realized she was bi, and they even go so far as to talk about the possibility of  _ Josh  _ being maybe not all the way straight. 

 

Where he’s from, exploring your sexuality isn’t considered normal. He can’t help but be a little bit jealous of Ashley’s background and all the freedom that she seemed to have. She’s always been free to be and be  _ with  _ whoever she wants, and she’s done just that, completely unapologetically. 

 

Later that night, they kiss, slow and deep, just to see if they would feel anything. In the morning, Ashley blames it on alcohol and the heat of the moment. Josh agrees. They don’t talk about it after that.

  
  


\----

 

Josh thinks about the conversations he has with Ashley a lot. 

 

She’s smart, observant, funny, and a little bit introspective. She sort of reminds him of a less existential version of Tyler. 

 

He thinks a lot about the night they kissed. Not of the kiss itself, but of what they were talking about before that. Bisexuality was a thing that Josh hadn’t really thought about a lot before he met Ashley. He’d known, of course, that sexuality didn’t just come down to gay or straight. He’d heard the word before, in TV and movies and in a book he read once, but hearing Ashley talk so openly and happily about her experiences just made it seem so much more  _ real _ , for some reason. 

 

Josh isn’t gay, that’s something he’s sure of. He likes everything about women, he’s been with women, he’s been in  _ love  _ with women. Girls are familiar territory to him. 

 

But the more he allows himself to dwell on that thought, on that idea that he might not have to choose one or the other, the more that he finds himself looking at men. 

 

The way boys carry themselves is so enticing in itself that Josh almost doesn’t notice much else about them.

 

Almost.

 

He does notice, though, and once he notices he can’t seem to  _ stop  _ noticing. He’ll be in the mall and find himself looking at some particularly attractive male sales associate until he forces himself to look away. He starts looking at the arms of buff waiters and the asses of fitness coaches. He spaces out of conversations with Tyler and Mark because some nameless man with a beautiful smile has walked into his line of vision and he can pay attention to nothing else.

 

He convinces himself he’s faking it, at first. 

 

There’s no way that Josh just all of a sudden likes  _ boys _ now, after almost 26 years of exclusively liking girls. That’s just not how it works, is it? 

 

Josh has watched every Youtube video he could find about bisexuality, has read every Tumblr post and has listened to every one of Ashley’s stories. In almost every one of those, the person has felt that they were somehow ‘different’ to other people their age when they were as young as  _ ten _ . Josh isn’t a wide-eyed ten year old, though, and he’s not a hormone ridden teenager, he isn’t even a college kid experimenting with their sexuality for the first time. He’s a grown ass man who’s time for experimenting of any kind is behind him. If he were  _ really  _ bisexual, he would have known by now. 

 

Wouldn’t he?

 

Still, he thinks about it constantly, almost obsessively. It’s an itch in Josh’s brain that just won't go away, and it’s annoying as hell. 

 

\----

 

Josh knows that Tyler knows that something’s not right, knows that he’s been acting strange, but he can’t bring himself to care anymore. There’s something in him that just won’t accept that he likes girls and _only_ girls, there’s some stupidly curious part in him insisting that there _must_ be more than this. 

 

Josh is at Tyler’s apartment one day when Tyler brings it up.

 

“What’s wrong, dude?” He asks. It catches Josh by surprise, because they were just laughing and having a fun conversation seconds before, and Josh didn’t think that he was acting like anything was wrong then.

 

“Uh, nothing?” Josh tells him, because it’s true; he feels fine.

 

“C’mon, J. You’ve been acting weird for like,  _ months _ ,” Tyler comments and  _ oh, they’re talking about this now _ ,  _ apparently.  _ “Are you taking your meds?” 

 

“Yeah, three times a day,” Josh says, shaking the bottle of pills in the pocket of his jacket for emphasis. “Seriously, Tyler, I’m  _ fine _ .” 

 

“That’s not true, and you know it. I can’t imagine what would be so terrible that you can’t even tell me about it, honestly. Like, I thought I was your best friend, J.” Tyler looks straight at Josh as he calmly says these words. 

 

“You are!” Josh assures him. 

 

“Well, obviously I’m not, if you won’t even tell me what’s wrong with you! I thought we had a deal, you know? I go to you when I’m feeling particularly bad, and you do the same with me! I dump things on you all the time, things that you don’t need to worry about, but if this isn’t going to be a mutual thing then it’ll just make me feel like a jerk!” 

 

“I can’t tell you what’s wrong if  _ I _ don’t know what’s wrong, Tyler!” Josh says, his tone of voice no longer hiding his frustration. He doesn’t like this. He and Tyler hardly ever fight, and when they do it’s usually just about creative things. It’s never been personal before. 

 

“You don’t ‘know what’s wrong’? Bullshit, J! I’m your  _ best friend _ , I can tell when you’re lying, and I  _ know _ that there’s absolutely something you’re not telling me right now! I would rather you say that you don’t want to tell me than have you lie to my face, you know? It’s humiliating!” Tyler stands up as he speaks. Josh follows suit. 

 

“I’m not  _ lying,  _ okay? I’m fucking confused! I mean it when I say I don’t really know what’s wrong with me, and if I did you know that I’d tell you! You  _ know  _ that I trust you, Ty!” Josh yells defensively. 

 

“Do I, though?” Tyler shouts. Josh doesn’t say anything back. Tyler takes one deep breath and scratches the back of his neck. “Maybe you should go.” He says, his voice calm once again. 

 

Josh stays there for a second longer than he should before complying. Leaving without a goodbye, he’s more confused than he’s ever been when he’s outside Tyler’s place. He wants to cry the whole drive home.

 

\----

 

It’s awkward between them for a few days. 

 

Josh doesn’t know whether or not he should apologize, or if he should even try and make contact, and so he doesn’t do anything. He checks his phone constantly to see if Tyler has tried to talk to him, and he’s always disappointed to see that he hasn’t. This whole argument is stupid, Josh knows, and he knows that they’ll get over it eventually, but ‘eventually’ can be very hard to see when even the present is unclear. 

 

He thinks about telling him everything. 

 

He thinks about picking up the phone and calling Tyler, thinks about telling him all about the conversations with Ashley, telling him every detail of every strange dream and fantasy he’s had involving men, thinks about telling him how _ scared _ he is, about how he has absolutely no idea what he’s going to do when he figures all of this out. He thinks of that a lot. And there are times when Josh has been inches away from hitting Tyler’s name on his phone and pressing the ‘call’ button, but every time he seems to find some new reason not to do it. 

 

Both he and Tyler were brought up pretty religious, and, while their families weren’t extremely homophobic or anything, there’s still that fear that Tyler will see him as ‘unholy’. As dirty. As  _ wrong _ .  And that thought alone is enough to make Josh want to vomit. 

 

He tells Ashley instead. He goes over to her house and sits on her bed and tells her about everything that comes to his mind, from the night he first thought about it to the obsessive months after, all the way until his fight with Tyler just a few days previous. 

 

“You don’t absolutely  _ have  _ to pick a label, you know.” Ashley says, rubbing a comforting hand on a weeping Josh’s back. 

 

“I know,” He murmurs to her. “You just seem so, I don’t know, so  _ comfortable  _ with yourself and with your sexuality and I just…  _ I _ want that comfort, too.” 

 

“You really shouldn’t be comparing yourself to me so much, Josh. I’m not the golden standard of bisexuality or anything, I’m just being true to myself. I can feel it, you know? My sexuality. I’ve been able to identify exactly who I was since I was a teenager, and you haven’t. And that’s  _ okay _ ! Just because you’re figuring yourself out a little later than some people doesn’t mean that you’re not valid or whatever. You’re just as valid as anyone else.” She tells him with an extreme amount of sincerity in her voice. 

 

“Thanks, Ashley,” He says, burying his face into her shoulder. 

 

“It’ll be okay, promise,” She mumbles into his hair. And, if only for a second, he believes it will be. 

 

\----

 

It’s 3:42 AM when Josh gets the text. 

 

He’s up late working on a particularly hard drumbeat on his electric set, and he’s playing so hard that he almost doesn’t hear the quick  _ ping  _ from his phone. 

 

Almost.

 

He looks at the brightly lit screen as soon as he hears the faint sound. He sets his drumsticks into his lap and roughly tugs his headphones from their place on his ears and moves them to hang around his neck as soon as he sees the name. 

 

**_From: Tyjo_ **

_ 3:42 AM _ |  _ I’m sorry for what i said at my house _

 

Josh responds quickly. 

 

**_To: Tyjo_ **

_ 3:43 AM _ |  _ it was my fault  _

 

**_From: Tyjo_ **

_ 3:45 AM _ |  _ No it wasn’t. I shouldn’t have been prying. It was none of my business  _

 

**_To: Tyjo_ **

_ 3:46 AM _ |  _ i’m ready to talk about it i think _

 

Josh locks his phone after that. It  _ pings  _ once again. He doesn’t read the response.

 

\----

 

Tyler knocks on Josh’s door the next night around nine in the evening. Josh opens it, and they don’t greet each other like they normally do. The air is thick with the anxiety radiating off of both of them _. _

 

Tyler sits on Josh’s sofa with his skinny-jean-covered legs crossed uncomfortably. Josh mirrors him from his place of the couch.  

 

Tyler’s first words since he’s entered are, “You don’t have to talk about what’s going on. Not if you don’t want to.” 

It’s Josh’s ticket to escape, his chance to say  _ ‘Now that you mention it, I’d rather not do this, let’s never talk about it again, okay?’ _ . He doesn’t take it. 

 

“It’s okay.” He says. He can’t tell if he’s talking to Tyler or to himself. Josh faces the floor, takes one deep breath to ready himself. “I don’t know how to start this, honestly. I’ve never really done this before. So, I guess I’m just supposed to…” He trails off. Tyler waits. “I’m, uh. I’m bisexual, Tyler.” 

 

Josh looks to his best friend. He can’t really read the expression on Tyler’s face when he says, “Oh.” 

 

“ _ Oh _ ?” Josh repeats. 

 

Tyler swallows. “Oh.” 

 

They sit there for about sixty seconds before Josh says anything else. 

 

“I’m sorry if that  _ bothers  _ you or anything. I just, I didn’t want you to think I didn’t trust you or that I was lying, I don’t know. I’m just sorry.” 

“Don’t be.” Tyler speaks, looking straight at him. “You shouldn’t apologize for something that you can’t change. I’m not- I’m not  _ mad  _ or anything, I just. Wasn’t expecting you to say that. I’m just surprised.”

 

“What  _ did _ you think that I was gonna say, then?” Josh inquires curiously. 

 

Tyler uncrosses his legs. Shrugs. “I don’t know. Something drastic, like, you’re quitting the band. Or that you’ve been hurting yourself. Something along those lines.” 

 

“Oh.” Josh echos Tyler’s earlier statement. 

 

“So, um, how long have you, like, known?”

 

“I don’t really know, seven months, maybe? I’ve just had this weird feeling, you know?” 

 

“Oh.” Tyler says, then adds, “I’m sorry, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to say here. Congratulations? Thanks for telling me?” 

 

“You don’t have to say anything.” Josh tells him. 

 

Tyler doesn’t say anything, but he gets up and goes to hug Josh instead.  

 

That hug marks the end of the First Bad Year.

 

It also marks the beginning of the first good one.


End file.
